Western New York December 2021
We traveled to New York recently to do a 12 hour, three-day intimacy intensive for a married couple. It was an honor to help them navigate the difficult obstacles that stood in their way of fulfilling their loving relationship. We explored the true definitions of the five love languages. We covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time. We had a plan, but there were unexpected twists and turns along the way. They definitely kept us on our toes!
In this line of work we get to help clients manage their expectations. We believe that one of our client’s expectations was that we would be able to pinpoint the exact problem very quickly; and then tell them how to fix it. They had originally asked for 1 night, but we offered 3 nights instead. Usually challenges like these are not solved overnight.
This trip was a classic example of expecting the unexpected. The clients were a couple in their 30s. They had been married for 15 years. The reason they hired us to come out was to help them consummate their marriage. Yes, they were both still virgins. The circumstances surrounding this job were definitely intriguing.
We were able to discuss and practice the 5 love languages in action. We witnessed the frustrations of both Wife and Husband. We were able to successfully identify some major challenges standing between them and their goals..
One of those challenges was that there was a previously undisclosed history of traumatic wounds as a child. When a person experiences horrifying and traumatic pain as a child they can develop strong survival techniques that are carried through their life. One of these survival techniques is the ability to not feel sensation; pain nor pleasure. It makes sense, if we are little children in constant pain - the only way to survive is to stop feeling our bodies.
Working on this premise we were able to start the process of healing and recovery. This process takes months or years. 3 days wasn’t going to cut it. We can’t speed up the process to be on our time-table. The body will accept what it can handle at the moment; and we must build upon that over time. People develop survival techniques that serve them at the moment, but stand in their way to healthy relationships later in life. Effects of traumatic wounds are deeply embedded in our bodies, minds, and souls.
Another challenge was attitude. We were working with someone who was using the language of “giving up”. We felt that one of the partners in this marriage had already given up; while the other was still quite hopeful.
In a nutshell; we had expected to facilitate a specific event that would deepen and realize a relationship. The results were not what we had expected. We had a plan, the results came out differently. Like I said, expectation management was a theme of this trip.
So, was the trip a success, professionally speaking? Yes, we identified the main challenge. This challenge is substantial. It involves a lot of psychological and physiological healing. This healing takes time. Hopefully the clients will be able to support each other through this recovery process to achieve their goal of having children. We hope to be able to work with this couple again. Time will tell. More will be revealed.
Andy and I did get a chance to enjoy the beauty of Niagara Falls without the crowds and surrounded by glistening ice crystals. Majestic!